I was deep in thought the other day, specifically thinking about buttholes. "Why are you so obsessed with buttholes?" @lithium98 asked me. I showed him a picture of a butthole I found. It looked like a little star-nosed mole in a pile of tangly shrub. I don't know what is so alluring about buttholes, but I believe all scientists start from a place of wonderment and fixation.
I, my friends, am a butthole scientist. (see my picture? Glasses and tits make me a legit scientist.) Being a butthole scientist, I have observed many different buttholes and many different traits. I am in a great position to take notice of many butthole variations. Today I would like to rock the scientific world, and make the assertion that male and female buttholes are DIFFERENT.
Now, after I posited on Twitter that male and female buttholes are different, I received some valuable feedback. The Twitter user Comatosed_Cub suggested male and female buttholes were different because, "women's butt holes under go bleaching and get fuck on the regular." This made sense to me. Perhaps I noticed a difference just because of pornography? I thought the most reasonable course of action after Comatosed's analysis would be to look at gay porn. In gay porn, men's butts also undergo bleaching and endure intercourse.
Not to my surprise, there was still a marked difference that I couldn't put my finger on. Yes, the male butts were also gaping abysses, but there was still some difference. Finally, it came to me. Male buttholes resembled slits, and extended vertically. On the other hand, female buttholes seemed to all be a uniform circle. I took to my Facebook and Twitter to collect some anecdotal evidence, confirming or discounting my hypothesis. Here is the evidence I collected:
Female: "I thought they all were round and puckered like mine. Well, mine is just superior to all...except yours."
Female: "a round hole."
Female: "Circle thank u"
Female: "Mine is decidedly circular."
I did not get any male feedback, but this does confirm my thoughts that all female buttholes are very circular. Even though I didn't receive feedback from men, I knew I had millions of butthole pictures at my fingertips. I was on an intense journey of investigation and discovery. If male buttholes really are verticular, there should be an explanation for this.
After countless hours of googling I noticed how much longer male taints were than female taints. Anogenital distance is no myth, it is routinely used in sexing animals. Anogenital distance is much longer for males than it is females.
But common sense and picture observation tells us that anogenital distance alone is not going to transform an orifice from a circular hole to a vertical slit. We can clearly see that these professional diagrams represent both buttholes as circled and puckered. So what is it that makes male anuses seem vertical? The answer came to me when I was studying more detailed diagrams.
The above picture is the sexing of mice. While we see the anogenital distance is quite a bit different, do you notice anything else? Observe the line in the buck that extends from his anus to his genitals. Now observe the female. There is no vertical line. Let's look at human anogenital diagrams.
In the male we notice a much stronger indentation. This is what gives the male butthole a vertical appearance. I am not sure what this line is called, but I propose from now on it is called Nataly's Crevasse, named after the famous butthole scientist who discovered it.
Thank you my friends for reading my important research. Please wait for my article to be published in Nature.
LOL IM LOZER - I'm 24 and I've never been on a technical date. I have obviously gone to movies(etc) while in relationships, but only after making it official. I was on OKCupid for awhile to meet people. My area has a very high hick ratio, so I like to use the internet for screening people. Also I like to use the internet to establish relationships because I'm hoorrrrible at conversation. If I approach someone in person, they will run away from boredom. I have to trick them.
Anyway, I ended up closing down my OKCupid profile a couple months ago. Sometime later, someone I was conversing with messaged me again. We ended up adding each other on Facebook and he wanted to go on a date. We are largely different people, but I decided for once in my life I was going to stop being a judgmental cunt and go for it. I decided to go on a date with this dude.
So I got ready.
HEY IF I'M GOING TO GET HEAT DAMAGE I MIGHT AS WELL PRETEND I'M MARIE ANTOINETTE. STOP JUDGING ME.
This is in right now. In Paris. Paris, IL. I started the trend.
How much do I love you? A lot, but not enough to edit my ghetto TV and messy bookcase out of the picture.
Also, I wore my sweet ass ear chain that you can't see in the other pics. (It's covered by my hair.)
READY TO GET MY FREAK ON
The date was fun, the guy was cool. We had dinner and then went to an arcade. In the end, we're just friends. I got out of this experience that:
1) The thought of dating grosses me out: People were telling me you are supposed to kiss on dates and shit. WTF. UP OUT MY FACE, FOOLS.
2) People can be really fucking cool. The guy was nice as fuck and was complimenting me left and right. It was a much needed self esteem boost. I don't think a guy has ever complimented me that much before. Thanks Mister!
3) I need to stop being such a judgmental cunt. Even though people are different, you can learn something from everybody. Give everyone a chance!
4) I hate socializing The guy was awesome and fun to be around, but after an hour it just strains my voice. Not sure if a majority of my frustration is caused by having vocal cord dysfunction or what. (It makes it hard to talk)
So, dating isn't for me... but it was a fun experience. For one time. ... ... ...