I was deep in thought the other day, specifically thinking about buttholes. “Why are you so obsessed with buttholes?” @lithium98 asked me. I showed him a picture of a butthole I found. It looked like a little star-nosed mole in a pile of tangly shrub. I don’t know what is so alluring about buttholes, but I believe all scientists start from a place of wonderment and fixation.
I, my friends, am a butthole scientist. (see my picture? Glasses and tits make me a legit scientist.) Being a butthole scientist, I have observed many different buttholes and many different traits. I am in a great position to take notice of many butthole variations. Today I would like to rock the scientific world, and make the assertion that male and female buttholes are DIFFERENT.
Now, after I posited on Twitter that male and female buttholes are different, I received some valuable feedback. The Twitter user Comatosed_Cub suggested male and female buttholes were different because, “women’s butt holes under go bleaching and get fuck on the regular.” This made sense to me. Perhaps I noticed a difference just because of pornography? I thought the most reasonable course of action after Comatosed’s analysis would be to look at gay porn. In gay porn, men’s butts also undergo bleaching and endure intercourse.
Not to my surprise, there was still a marked difference that I couldn’t put my finger on. Yes, the male butts were also gaping abysses, but there was still some difference. Finally, it came to me. Male buttholes resembled slits, and extended vertically. On the other hand, female buttholes seemed to all be a uniform circle. I took to my Facebook and Twitter to collect some anecdotal evidence, confirming or discounting my hypothesis. Here is the evidence I collected:
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Female: ”I thought they all were round and puckered like mine. Well, mine is just superior to all…except yours.” Female: “a round hole.” Female: “Circle thank u” Female: “Mine is decidedly circular.” |
I did not get any male feedback, but this does confirm my thoughts that all female buttholes are very circular. Even though I didn’t receive feedback from men, I knew I had millions of butthole pictures at my fingertips. I was on an intense journey of investigation and discovery. If male buttholes really are verticular, there should be an explanation for this.
After countless hours of googling I noticed how much longer male taints were than female taints. Anogenital distance is no myth, it is routinely used in sexing animals. Anogenital distance is much longer for males than it is females.
But common sense and picture observation tells us that anogenital distance alone is not going to transform an orifice from a circular hole to a vertical slit. We can clearly see that these professional diagrams represent both buttholes as circled and puckered. So what is it that makes male anuses seem vertical? The answer came to me when I was studying more detailed diagrams.
The above picture is the sexing of mice. While we see the anogenital distance is quite a bit different, do you notice anything else? Observe the line in the buck that extends from his anus to his genitals. Now observe the female. There is no vertical line. Let’s look at human anogenital diagrams.
In the male we notice a much stronger indentation. This is what gives the male butthole a vertical appearance. I am not sure what this line is called, but I propose from now on it is called Nataly’s Crevasse, named after the famous butthole scientist who discovered it.
Thank you my friends for reading my important research. Please wait for my article to be published in Nature.
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