March 7, 2013
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What do you do before a death of a family member?
Death is a final thing. I'm not sure what I'm going to feel when my Dad dies, and I'm not even sure I should be asking this question. I guess I kind of block this out of my head, I don't really want to deal with it, but it's final. What if I fuck up with dealing with this? I can't take it back.
So, if you have experience with this issue, I'd appreciate your input.
My Dad will probably die around summertime?? To say we don't have a great relationship... is an understatement.
What do you wish you would have done before someone close to you died? If you had a strained relationship with one of your parents, and they passed, I'd really like your input.
I really have no wisdom on this subject. Right now my tactic is to avoid any kind of emotional attachment and remain as angry as possible. I figure if I can keep the pent up anger til the end, maybe it won't hurt as bad. But maybe it will bite me in the ass. I'm not trying to be an asshole, I just don't really know how to deal with this or what to expect.I have time to prepare, so I guess I might as well be figuring out a game plan.
Comments (584)
I have spent time with hundreds of people that were dying. I just listen. But maybe you are not at the state where you feel you can listen to your dad.
@TheTheologiansCafe - Thanks for the input, it helps coming from someone who has had experience with it.
I've only ever had the experience with people that I was close to (my grandmother) and what I did was just visit as often as I could. I missed the final chance to visit her before she passed away, and it was something that I still kick myself about to this day.
For you and your dad, I don't and will probably never will understand the relationship between you two. But, I think that you can at least sit with him (even if it's silently). He is still your father, and I think that at least being in his presence before he goes could ease the tension. Without any kind of closure (somehow), being angry until his end might only create more anger, but towards yourself after he passes.
I stayed angry at my dad before he passed away until the weeks where he was in the hospital in a vegetative state, unable to talk back at me. It was one-sided and left way too many questions for me to have had much closure. If there's something you haven't been dealing with and you know death is creeping, I would face it now... because you're right, you can't take it back. Open yourself up as best as you can, to avoid those lingering questions later.
There is a possibility that dad will have a change of heart, something of a a last minute reconciliation. It won't make him less annoying ... just annoying in a different way.
My grandmother just died tonight. She had a stroke last night, and I got a call from my aunt today to ask me to say whatever I was going to say to my grandmother. I told her I loved her, that she was my hero, that she was important to me and changed my life. But that was all true.
Whatever you do, don't pass up the opportunity to talk to him or be with him before he does go. Eventually, the regret is a bitch. I know, I lost an uncle who I never said goodbye to.
I think I would spend as much time with the person as I could. My dad and I have a strained relationship, but nothing like the one you had with your father. I think I would take the time to talk to him without judgement, I'd have to let go of the past, and just see him as a person. I do not fully understand the relationship you have with your dad, but I would imagine that would be asking a lot. I would keep in mind that some people may never change. They may never be able to really hear you. They may never be able to admit that they were wrong because their minds won't allow them to do so. The important thing is to at least try if that is what you want because in the end, you'll be able to say you did try to make amends.
The only people really close to me that have died have been my grandparents. It was sad and hard, but we sat around and remembered the times that were good, its not the same when you have a strained relationship, but you can try.
My middle daughters (baby daddy) would have nothing to do with his dad.He left them when he was little.He didn't even let him see his grandkids.He always said he wished he would just die.Well he died last year and a crazy thing happened.He cried like a baby for acting the way he did.If he could do it all over he would forgive him and try to be part of his life.Don't regret letting your unforgiveness keeping you a prisoner.Come listen to the song I have posted.The words are incredible.Oh and this is Grampy (Gene).I came back but not really posting much.When I have time I'll just comment to something that interests me.The Goofy me will not be on Xanga anymore.
Trust me,the hurt you will feel turning your back on your dad will be much harder to deal with than the hurt from loosing him because you got closer to him in the last days.You will regret not doing it,you will be at peace with yourself if you make peace with him now.I promise.
Hmm I would try to open up, because you will never get the chance again. I never had a strained relationship with my dad, and I was too young to really think about anything too deeply when he passed away. He had been sick for so long that I don't know, I kind of blocked it out? I don't really know but I do know that I wish I talked to him more, there's so much I will never know.
I can't offer you any advice because I've never dealt with this, but you can always text me if you want to talk. I think Erika gave great advice though.
I'm so sorry! Maybe now is time to make amends- that way you won't have regrets and what-ifs.
You've got my number, Nat. Text or call if you need to talk, okay?
No matter what, you will feel some kind of emotional response when he passes on. As much as I don't get along with my dad, I think I will be sad. Sad of the times we could have had and sad that we weren't able to be the father and daughter that we should have been. I would ask all the questions I have had over the years, tell him my feelings, and try to do and say anything that I might find I would want in the future. The best of luck. I hope everything goes well.
As you know I recently lost my uncle. I never got to say goodbye. Even if you don't really get along, he's still your dad and you're still his daughter. No matter what happened in the past I am sure he would love for you to see him one more time.
While I would love to say that I've rushed to the bedside of those who I loved and have passed, It's not true, Generally, I have distanced myself thinking it would make things easier. It doesn't work. Five times I've adhered to the same tactic and five times the outcome has been the same. They died and I hated myself for a little while. My uncle who died a few years ago had a liver transplant. I honestly thought he was going to make it. Perhaps I was in denial, because everyone else seemed to know it was going to happen. So when he died, I was devastated that I had not done more to stay in touch with him. He was the closest thing I had to a dad... Holding onto your anger isn't the way to go here. I'm not saying you need to act like everything's always been great, but if there's anytime for an emotional breakthrough, it would be sometime in the near future.
Shimms, if you're daddy means little to you, don't even care about,his death.
Love,
RulerofMasons.
I think if you two feel comfortable with at least trying to mend your relationship, that would be a good place to start. Maybe get everything out in the open and see where things may have gone wrong, get the apologies out of the way before it's too late. Or, if it's really THAT strained between the two of you, I would just do what I could to make his final days comfortable ~ to hell with making nice. I don't know the situation, but I don't think anyone should have to die alone or in pain if there's someone there that can help alleviate some of it, regardless of what their feelings are toward each other.
It depends how 'cold' (to use 'warm' person terminology), you believe yourself to truly be. Some of us (the truly 'cold') can get by not getting closure or leaving things eternally on bad terms, I feel like this is the minority. Most people, even those who think they might be able to, just end up causing themselves more grief by avoiding closure. That grief might be long-term regret or it might last a few hours, but it all depends on you. Just do whatever you decide for yourself, not your father.
I think that nearly everyone is giving really solid advise so hopefully something someone has said will help you out.
hmm...ask yourself how u would feel in the same situation....if u were about to die..and u had a bad relationship with your daughter....what would u want to happen?..my dad wakes up everyday andsays "I dont like you"..then goes about his business...when he dies..I will be by his bedside...
One thing I always wished I had done with my father was play catch.
Not knowing why the relationship between you and your father isn't good makes it a bit difficult to comment. However, from the sound of your post, there seems to be something in you that wants the situation to change for the better. Speaking from experience, I truly believe you will feel better if you make an effort to reconcile with your father. Even if he was wrong, if you just talk to him and tell him how you feel/felt about whatever happened and how you wish/have wished things were different, you will likely find that he would like things to be different, too. Even if he doesn't respond positively, you will feel much better for having made an effort to reconcile. For years, my father and I didn't have a very good relationship. Neither one of us made an effort to talk about it, but I know I wish things had been different. I wish that I had made more of an effort to understand him and love him just as he was. I'm quite sure he wished that too. There will always be regret in my heart that I didn't try harder and didn't talk to him before he died. I'm hoping you find the courage to make the effort, regardless of the outcome. As others have said, he is your father and you are his daughter. My prayers go out to you.
Hi. I am really sorry to hear about your dad. I just wanted to comment with my opinion and I hope it is useful to you. I volunteered in hospice for 3 years and I can't tell you how many times people told me they regretted waiting so long to patch things up with their parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, and grandparents. It's truly heartbreaking because when they realize it, it's usually too late. Please try to patch things up now. The sooner you do it, the more quality time you will get to spend with your father and the more you will both be able to accept his passing. When families stick together till the very end, passing and death are very much easier because they have each other's support and each other's love. I don't know your father's situation nor your family's, but when my hospice patients families were there and when patients and their families spent quality time together, those were often the happiest days of all of their lives and made the death much easier because it was peaceful, loving, and not scary until the very end.
Any way, I'm sorry I can't offer you anymore than this. I am not a licensed grief counselor or anything, but this was my observation and experience while volunteering. If you need anything, please feel free to message me!
Best of luck.
I will keep you and your family in my thoughts.
debating on whether to answer your question here or on PM. but dana is right. my dad was physically and emotionally abusive to me too - (you know, the same way your dad is). when i turned 14, that ended as i was removed from the home. i spent the next 10 years avoiding him.
i talked to my friends of how he did this or that. they always fed me well by telling me what an evil bastard he was and how i was lucky to have gotten out of there. all my friends and relationship mates told me also how evil he was. so that 10 years was spent having my HURT turn into ANGER and HATRED.
i tried talking to him while on tour in california where he lived. patiently, i waited for him to stop criticizing my choice of lifestyle as i was with a girl. i waited for him to get past the "you are a sinner! you are going to hell!" i only wanted to know "WHY DID YOU TORMENT ME ALL MY GROWING UP LIFE? WHY DID YOU BEAT ME? WHY DID YOU DO THOSE ******** WHEN I WAS IN THE BATHROOM IN THE TUB?"
nataly, you need to know the "why's". your whole inner child and now the adult is desperate to know the "why did you do this to me?" the real thing you are trying to ask is "daddy, didn't i mean anything to you other than a sex toy? didn't you LOVE me at all?" and you, the innocent child/adult needs to beat on his chest and scream your pain and sorrow to him - YES, your sorrow. because a part of you stopped living back then, refusing to grow any further until you got some answers.
nothing he could ever say to you will make it "alright". there is no valid explanation twisted people can offer their victims. BUT - there is a silver lining here:
a letter. write him a letter now, while he is alive. hold nothing back. forget being politically correct. scream in the letter. cry in the letter. be a little girl in the letter - innocent, beautiful, and pure. send it to him. that is ALL you can do unless you feel safe enough to do it in person. then, step up and take the lead:
"daddy, you will never steal another day from me. you will never hurt me again. but i want you to know that i forgive you. i refuse to carry the pain of my former life with you into my future. i refuse to allow you to taint my relationship with whomever i fall in love with. i forgive you and i let it go. now, i am willing to listen if you wish to talk. but if your words are selfish and meant to hurt, i will walk away."
i never had that talk with my dad. i got a call that he had a stroke and was in the hospital. i dropped what i was doing and caught a flight to san diego. he was a vegetable and would never utter another word. i stayed at his side, adjusting his breathing tube, dabbing his lips with moisturizer, and stroking his head as if he had been the best dad ever. well, he was the ONLY dad i ever had so i guess i was sad.
when everyone left the room - i asked them too - i had my chat. i told him that i love him. i told him that i forgive him. i told him how my life had gone, the good and the bad. i shared a few photos even though his eyes never opened. i felt something change inside of me right then. instead of the mean, abusive, perverted monster, i saw him for what he truly was - a frail old man, weak, dying, and suddenly i felt love for him. i cried. i released the past. he died three days later. i think more than anyone else, i cried the hardest while burying him. i cried for him, for me, and for the new feelings i had - freedom.
your heart will either become a hard rock or a soft, nurturing place for the people in your life. i see the person you are now, and i think you will make it through this intact, sweet, funny, but with a serious side that can heal others. he cannot ever take the real nataly away. don't you dare give her away either.
Accept it as a natural course of life. No one ever really dies because of the stories and memories that you hold dear about that person. They may not be there physically but the person is there in your heart.
I cried. Both parents. I cried everywhere except around them. Strained is an understatement in my case, but the sadness and pain were still there.I pray you strength, I pray you peace of mind and soul, and I pray you have someone close with a good ear and reliable shoulders. All the energy I can send, Nat. Always here if you feel the need to talk.
Don't stay angry.
My sister's ex was a drug addict and abusive. He tried a few times to clean up, but he would always end up doing something to hurt my nephews. They were starting to get along a little, then he got into a fight with my oldest nephew. Punches were thrown and my nephew went home to his mom (he was 17 at the time). A few days later, his dad texted him asking him to come over and help with something. My nephew ignored him. Less than two hours later, his dad was killed in a car accident. This was last year. He still struggles at times with the fact the last thing he did was ignore his dad.
My suggestion is to try to make amends before he goes. If he doesn't accept the offer, then that's on him, and you can have no regrets.
you will never regret forgiving him, but you will regret not forgiving.
My father died fairly young...61. We did not have a close relationship. In fact, I moved away at 17 out to CO because of it. So, I had been gone 11 years before he died. He was already in a veg. coma when I got the call from my mom to come back. I wish I could say that being alone at his beside, seeing him in a fetal position hooked up to a respirator, triggered forgiveness, and when soon after he died, forgiveness. But it didn't. It just was what it was. The end of our relationship. No overwhelming sadness, no grieving, nor relief. My uncle (his younger brother) who was more my real father, just passed yesterday. I was close to him at one time. I'll fly back east this weekend. I will miss him.
I visited my grandfather when he was sick and dying in the hospital. I cried in front of him like he was already dead and I had already lost him. I shouldn't have done that when he was still very much alive. I think he was a bit put off by my actions;I should have stayed strong for him. I'd say my one piece of advice is to not give up on him before he does. or something like that. Keeping you in my thoughts.
We all go thru this sooner or later and there really aren't any rules. You just have to play it by ear, as you go. But, do try to spend as much time with him as you can, or can stand. More than anything tho, you have to lose the anger and hurt somehow. You'll regret it for the rest of your life if you don't.
@TheTheologiansCafe - I know Xanga can be depressing at times, but I hardly think it counts as "spending time with hundreds of people that are dying."
The lights grow dim before they go out. My advice is that making the connection earlier in the dying process is more rewarding than trying in the hours just before death.
I sometimes worry that I'll face a similar situation when it comes time for my mom to go. Her relationships with her children a quite rocky.
I don't know you or anything about your relationship with your father, but I wanted to comment since my father won't be around much longer either (he has a few years, not a few months, but still...) I would think that if you are asking this question at all, you have enough of a relationship that you want to do something about it. Maybe making amends at this point isn't possible, or even necessary, but maybe you can take it to a certain point. Tell him how you feel without being too harsh - the man is dieing, after all. Honestly, I'd try to get past the anger. If you try to avoid the situation all together, and end up not doing anything about it, you may regret it. The other way around, at least you can say you tried, even if unsuccessfully.
Depends. How strained is your relationship with him? Can you even get yourself to talk to him? If you can, I would try to make amends because there is an opportunity to reconcile there as your relationship isn't so bad it's beyond saving. If he really is/was that bad (just like my step-father was, he was TERRIBLE), then don't even bother. Let karma bite him in the ass and die alone. I never, and I mean NEVER cried a tear over my step-father's death, and I'm at complete peace with it. I don't miss him, I don't regret not being there for him and I don't regret not sparing his life even when I had the opportunity to. If this sounds callous, well, all I have to say is he did it to himself. About all I've done since he died is the last time I was in my former hometown in Texas I went and took a leak on his grave. Beyond that? Heh, whatever. I don't care that much.
Good people die - assholes do, too. Dying doesn't change what you were in your life, unfortunately. Realize, too, that children rarely understand their parents as people, only as parents. Some were good, some not so much. Find forgiveness, but not to help him before he dies - to help yourself. Life only ends once, and you will only lose him once. Imagine yourself 50 years from now and decide how you want to remember the end of your fathers life. Once you have that in mind, you can act accordingly. Give yourself some slack, because your father dying is not going to make all that hurt go away, so don't feel guilty about still being angry.
Know that you are loved by many, and we are here for you. Sending lots of prayers your way.
Sorry to hear this Shimmer. I have not lost anyone that I didn't have a VERY good relationship with. I can't imagine what I'd do if I lost a parent, but I know that time will come. Will be interesting to see what others write, if you plan on keeping this open after all is said and done.
I don't know what your father did to you but having been on Xanga long enough (seven months), I can only imagine. So so sorry to hear this sweetheart. I hope you cope well with this loss, even though it doesn't sound like he was the best father he could have been.
I think a lot about this with my dad. He isn't dying or anything.. but I often wonder if I should try to fix our relationship or let it go. I'm still unsure.
(BTW, This is Jes/UndyingNova. I changed my username.)
I don't know what to tell you, I know if I were in that situation I can't say I wouldn't be the happiest person ever knowing my dad was going to die soon and finally get the fuck out of my life. I wish he had died a long time ago.
Do what you feel like you need to do for YOU.
make your peace! There is nothing in the world that will change the past, nothing, let it go and start fresh. You won't be sorry I promise.
I said goodbye to my wife 3 years ago. It was a peaceful passing for her, but we who remain always wish we had said a certain thing or whatever; but those things are really for the one remaining, not the one dying. My memories of her are fun and pleasant, but you may have trouble feeling that way. My advice would be to make his dying as free from issues as possible, since you are the one who will be left still dealing with those issues when he is gone. My dad and stepmom (and mother-in-law) are all in their middle nineties, so I'll be seeing more of this before long.
I wish you the best through this time.
strange as it may sound but we all took time to tell him we loved him just before he left the house. something odd and un-normal and totally unusual. that night my brother died in a car accident.
as for my father, we didn't even know he was sick, his other family never informed us till he died and today i still feel unaffected by that. this is, i feel, in so many ways so very wrong. if you love him tell him so. if you dont then you have a life time to learn to deal with it.
I found this quote @Nanny's site...it's good
"Letting go of the past is not easy, especially if you have wounds that have never properly healed. But, the past is past and living there may be preventing you from fully experiencing the present. Likewise fear of what may be looming around the corner can also prevent you from fully enjoying the present. Live in the moment and look forward."
I have been a family caregiver for a lot of years and sat by several family members when they died. All I can tell you is the hearing is one of the last things to go so tell him all the things you need to --tell him it's ok for him to let go. If he's able to talk to you--let him tell you what he needs to. It's the last chance you will get--then pray for both of your sakes he goes peacefully. If they have hospice where you are -talk to them--they have seen lots of people die--they can comfort you.
God bless you.
feeling angry about it does not help the situation. death will happen to everyone at one time or another. yes it is gut wrenching to lose a loved one but if you can find closure, it does make it a whole lot easier. spend the time finding how to tie up the loose ends with your dad. after doing that remember to celebrate his life even if he wasn't the perfect father. i hope this helps.
I don't think I can offer any better advice than others have already given and I've been lucky to have a good relationship with my parents so I don't think I can really help much. All I can say is, you need some kind of closure while you have the chance because you don't want to spend the rest of your life feeling hurt, angry, resentful and whatever else you might be feeling because those emotions won't do you or anyone else any good.
Whatever you decide to do, best of luck.
Do what your heart tells you; there will likely be regrets whatever you do. Luck and love to you!!!
This is the first time I've ever noticed your site, and I'm sorry I had to find it when you're in so much pain with your thoughts and feelings. I could write a response here, but it would sound exactly the same as @rescued_by_grace, @aftershesjumped, & @composing-life. Among others, who commented, I think they all had excelent advice. I know you need to be able to be relieved of the hate while he's alive. If not, it may eat at you after he's gone, and you'll still be under that control. You deserve to be at peace. Please re-read the comments I mentioned. I hope with all my heart, you find peace while he's still here, and if he's as ill as you imply, you should do it soon, so he can respond to you. Good luck Dear.
I say follow your heart.
I had someone die (2 years) ago that was one of THE MOST prominent persons in my life. I always felt not good enough in their eyes...it was not a good/close relationship on my side of things...it was painful for me. And yet I was at that persons bedside when they passed. I've put myself through 2 years of guilt since then...saying, "I should of been better...done better....etc." I wish I could let go of the guilt. I DID try to be a good person in their life. So I don't deserve the beating I'm giving myself.
Again, follow your heart. I tried to forgive and let go of the pain before this person passed. But, I wish I had said aloud, "I forgive you. I do have love for you."
HUGS!!!
My father recently passed away last month. Him, my mother and myself, had been estranged for about five years. I was able to fly out in time during his final days. There were a couple of times he was lucid enough to know who I was, and was also able to tell me he loved me. Each day as I sat by his bedside keeping him company, my thoughts were on how much I loved him, and always have. I didn't talk about the past. I would gently hold his hand, and murmer words of comfort and love. I would tell him how I was enjoying the visit with the rest of the family and getting reaquainted with those I had been away from for so long. Fences were also mended with my mom, and we also didn't talk about the past. We just hugged and cried, and told each other how much we loved one another. Everyone was grateful and appreciative of my visit and that I was able to be there in the end for my dad. With us, we didn't look back. We held tight to the love that was never gone, and are looking forward to more loving memories in the future. I guess we all decided to not have regrets, and to hold onto the short moments before my dad took his last breath. None of us wanted to spend dad's last days bickering and such. We wanted happy, peaceful memories in the end. I hope this helps you when it's time. And I hope you will have some peace in the end.
I had a very strained relationship with my mother, and she died suddenly in 2009. I knew she would die someday, but not then. At first when she died, I was kind of relief. Ours was very strained. So for a year I didn't feel a thing, and then suddenly it hit me.
What I regret most is, that I should have told her exactly how I felt and the things she did to me. But then, I know I had that conversation before and she just rebuked me, telling me that I should forget the past. So I had a lot of anger. But after her death, that anger is even more. But I should be glad now that she is no longer there to torment me. I didn't go for her funeral. I still have a lot of anger towards her and nothing about our relationship had changed, the fact she is dead.
The fact is this is my experience and I don't know how you would look at it. I sense you too have gone through a similar road that I have.
I never met anyone who said "I regret mending the fences before ...... died.
But I've met hundreds who wish they had that last chance to talk...and now it's beyond that.
Seems pretty simple, put that way.
My dad died when I was 17.
We had a fight the week before, so our last words were harsh.
He had a stroke, and fell into a coma...and we never had another word between us.
It took me years not to feel guilt...or frustration.
My parents were not the Parent of the Year.
My father beat the hell out of me several times when I was small for no good reason other than that HE was frustrated. I hated him for years. But, at age 50...yes, I finally got the courage, I confronted him calmly and my macho father ran from the room crying, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry"... And all of my anger vanished. He died 4 years ago of pulmonary fibrosis and I was his caregiver. I have no regrets in being good to him as he was dying and I feel very happy that my anger dissipated before he died. He actually thanked me for being so loving towards him in the final 8 months of his life.''
My mother was a school librarian...I was the oldest. I always had to help with some kind of chores from my earliest memory,, but from 7th grade until I left home to go to college, I cooked, cleaned up, cleaned the house---vacuumed, cleaned the bathroom, ironed gigantic sacks of laundry (before permanent press) and scrubbed her kitchen floor. The ONLY thing I didn't do for her house was do the laundry. I wasn't too happy with her either and was thrilled to leave home for good....and her housekeeping skills became very evident when I left.. It was a mess. My mother was getting into her 80s when I invited her to go on two vacations with me. We ended those trips on far better note than all of the times of the past, but we would never be best buddies...we were far too different. My mother fell down her basement stairs, struck her head on the concrete wall and died 5 hrs later on a respirator. I was devastated...and still miss her today.
All I know is that you will have no regrets if you are kind and loving to him now. Arguments are seldom one-sided. We all say things we regret.
It is up to you, but taking the adult way ...the high road...and forgiving your father (that is not saying what he said/did to you was ok...forgiveness is for YOU) now will let you sleep well after he dies.
Good luck to you. Even if you hate your father, it will be hard to see him leave this earth. As children, we truly love our parents...warts and all. When you hold on to that bitterness and scorn and hatred, your father has won..and you have lost. Work on forgiving him.. see the Mayo Clinic article below.
sending you a hug for the difficult times ahead !!
Christy oxox
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/forgiveness/MH00131
I don't know the genesis of your feelings. All I can say is I wish I had just one more day with both of my parents, to talk to them, to ask them questions, and to get stuff off my chest. If at all possible, don't let him go without saying what needs to be said. Won't have that chance afterwards. Good luck Shimmer.
I lost both parents but my Dad. . . let's see. I would sit there and talk to him. Many times, when people are on the verge of seeing death they become clear. That did not happen with my father as he was truly doped up on Morphine during his last days. On my birthday I knew he was dying soon when he gave me a kiss on the cheek. He never did that. With his weight loss and loss of doing things independent of anyone I knew this is not what my father wanted. Also, he was all about being to himself and the fact that he had to rely on a hospice nurse was a lot for him to handle. You kind of have to give yourself permission to allow this person to pass from this earth. If your papa can talk, go and talk with him daily. You will be shocked of what you will learn. My prayers are with you and make sure to get all the closure time you can with him before he passes.
I can only imagine what it's like to prepare to lose your father. My situation differs greatly as I was very close to my dad and the loss is still immeasurable. It must be difficult being in a strained relationship such as you have, and I cannot begin to understand.
In my opinion, the best way to prepare is to say everything you've ever needed to say. Get any closure if possible. You can't change the past, but you can mend the future. Your future. You may never truly like your father as a person, or ever think of choosing him as a friend... but family will always be family.
I came across this quote by Carl Bard recently, "Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending."
This is your story. Ultimately, the one who chooses the ending is you. You can yell and scream. You can forgive. You can forget. You can accept him. You can shun him. You can do whatever will make you happy with
yourself
. Not what makes him happy, or your second cousin, or some long lost ancestor. You. Present you. Future you. Make the choice that you can live with. My dad always told me to live without regret. I can't say it always works that way, but if you aim for the choice you believe is the right one, you can't go wrong.
In the end, you will make the choice best suited to you. You just have to trust yourself.
As a hospital chaplain these last two years, I have spoken with a lot of family about death and dying.. and thought about it a lot myself.
The first thing is, do not feel like you have to feel any certain way: "I should feel angry." "I should feel sad."You feel exactly how you feel, if that is confused, then feel confused. Some times when someone is dying, many feel they have to feel sad or empathetic, but that persons present suffering does not diminish the suffering you may have faced in the past, nor does it diminish the good things either (I saw a family of a young girl get so sad she might have some form of cancer that they shut down emotionally, so the little girl was the only one in the room smiling while they were all down and depressed).
Secondly, this might be a good time to talk strait/be blunt with your father. Not in a mean and harsh way, but in a true way. Let him know how you feel about your relationship, the good and the bad. use lots of "I" statements. Ask questions. You may find a whole different side to your father you never knew.
Third, as an introvert, I understand what you mean about getting closer when they are going to leave you. I have felt this in some way after every rejection by a female, when they are essentially deleted from my life. All that hard work for nothing. I sometimes feel something pretty close to when I have to move. I made all those friendship and invested, only to have to start all over. But in the end, those female, those friends, those people and life situation were important, they are part of who I was, am, and am becoming. It was a real temptation for me coming into a residency to NOT connect with others so much because I knew coming in the odds of me living here part my residency of a year or two was slim. But connecting with others, growing close is not a bad thing. It is a good thing. We grieve not simply because of a loss, but because we lost something we loved, something we invested in and a person that invested in us. I think that makes us stronger, not weaker.
Fourth, be present with him. You do not have to "do" anything. If he ask, yes... but when people are sick, in the hospital, and/or dying... the best thing you can do is be there. Do not have any preconceived notions about how you should feel or how you father should act or feel. We all deal with life, death, and grief in different ways.
Prayers and Thoughts for you, you dad, and your family during this time Shimmer!
My father and I were estranged before he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. We put our differences aside for my mother's sake and before he passed, we'd made peace with one another. I think that's very important for the closure process. Forgiveness for the past mistakes and harsh words and misunderstandings. Just sitting with your ill parent and holding their hand provides comfort for them. Wishing you the best.
I was 7 years old when I watched my father die. He died right in front of me when a chamber in his heart exploded in a half heart attack half aneurysm thing( to the best of my understanding).
He was my best friend. As years go on I wonder what he would have thought of people I have dated, choices I have made or didn't make or just how I am in general. I often wonder who he was beyond what I knew in my seven year old eyes. I wonder who he was beyond the reflection of him I can see in other peoples perceptions.
We had gone to the sweat lodge out at Ft. McDowel Indian reservation, because my dad had some interest in native american beliefs. I don't know if it was his quest for spiritual fulfillment; or the pursuit of drugs as a means of forgetting the divorce he went through, the ex-wife, my mother that had left the state. Maybe it was the childhood he had, the bitter manipulative mother he had or the scum bag brother that fed off of any weakness he could find. I don't know. We were out there a good distance from any place with a phone. I was playing with the fire, putting the ends of sticks in so that they would light, before I blew out the flame and wrote my name in the air with the embers. Dad came out to shovel more rocks into the pit, and after a few heaves, he put down the shovel. He grasp his chest and his eyes rolled into the back of his head. He laid in the dirt for a few moments before I went over and tried to wake him up. I shook him asking if he was okay. I tried to open his eyes, and his eyes had rolled into the back of his head.
I ran into the sweat lodge and shouted that there was something wrong with my dad. Indians poured out of the little animal skin and stick igloo and I know that one jumped into a shitty brown sedan and peeled out away.
A half hour later I heard the sirens of the paramedics. That was a long time to be left completely alone with a group of strangers that didn't speak much english and still not really knowing what is going down.
I don't know if anger is the answer. I do know one thing is true, that which you suppress will make home in your heart and it will wreck the place. Every August my soul breaks apart a little bit, at the loss of my best friend, the man that was supposed to protect me, teach me how to be a man, how and when to fight, what is worth dying for. I live the loss of the family that I knew, and the happiest I ever was, living in a house that had love, but no door knob on the front door. We didn't have electricity in my room, but we had laughter. Every year. Every august 26th, I hurt. It hits me in my sleep even. I have dreams about it some times.
I still on occasion write letters to my dead father. I ask him all the things that I wonder about. He can't read them. Yet, there is some comfort found in getting things out. Sometimes I yell at him for being a selfish bastard that left too soon. Other times I just miss hanging out in a condemned house eating pastrami sandwiches while I played with my Ninja Turtle action figures.
If there is advice... If I have anything to offer you, in what you are going through... it is to do what you can while you can. Fix broken things. Make good memories. Talk. Listen. Just be.
I am very very sorry for what you are going through, But I will pray for you, him and your situation. If you want/need to talk, I'm around. You can also hit me up on facebook.
-Jay-
i just found out today my father in law who i have been close with for around 20 years has leukemia. its been a very difficult day. i go from being hopeful, to very depressed and thinking about what i can say when i see him to help him feel better about it.
as far as your situation- i guess if it was me i would do what my heart said to do.
Nataly,
You know how hard I took it when my dad died a year ago - - - I know you have a rocky relationship with yours and so I say this so you do NOT have any regret...
1. Take as MANY pictures, videos, and make as many memories you can
2. Tell him everything you want to before it's too late
3. Tell him you love him even if you hate him
4. Tell him how much he means to you
I can't think of any more but if I do I will let you know. Again, I am so sorry you have to go through this. I love you more than you know, my dear.
Best wishes,
Suzanne
I had a good relationship with my dad so this may not help you. I spent as much time with him when we knew he was dying as I could. I hugged him often and told him I loved him often.
We are all going to die, we are all going to be worm food. Or minnow food. My dad's hard, unhealthy lifestyle caught up with him and his liver, lungs and a few other body parts started shutting down. He went into a coma for several weeks, then, just like in that movie "Dad", the hospital gave him a massive vitamin dosage and he came out of the coma. I drove across the country to Western Kentucky and had a last visit. Of course, being in the hospital he was sober and like a different person, very helpless. In his sensory deprived state, his imagination took over and he told me about many wild dreams he had. I had to leave and come back home knowing it was the last time I would see him, but happy I had made the trip and happy to talk to him one more time.
You just need someone who's willing to go through it with you. I didn't have many friends when my dad passed, and my moms kind of has no empathy (maybe no fault of her own). She doesn't want to hear it and doesn't show any feeling for others ever, except if you regard her as the only victim worthy of any empathy, then she'll take it in like IV fluids to the emaciated. I think you have lot's off people pulling for you though! I've started to realize my situation is unique;) Re: yours -online alone a ton of support + probably also you may have some others close. So remember you are supported!!.:)
If I know someone is about to go, I mourn a bit before it happens, it seems to somehow make the process easier. I'll still be upset when they pass, but it makes accepting it a little easier. I've always been that way, not sure why. Maybe because I'm a guy. I'm here if you need me. <3
I know, there are so many updates you can't even keep up with them. Also, I'm single now, so me and you need to go out and you can get me drunk for the first time and we can make bad decisions that we won't remember.
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I'm sending you a message.
Here is my "better late than never" reply...
With the one person I loved most in the world, there was no warning. I didn't get to say goodbye, and there are a lot of things I regret, a lot of things I would have done differently had I known. I still struggle with hating myself for not being a better granddaughter to her in her final years.
With my grandpa, there was warning, although there was less than you have with your dad so maybe that changed things a bit. We only had 3 or 4 days warning. But my relationship with him was strained. VERY strained. I struggled with the exact same issue you are struggling with. At the same time, my grandmother's death was only 2 years prior and I was still struggling mightily with the regret from that. That regret influenced my decision to grit my teeth and do my best to make amends with my grandpa, mainly because death IS final and I knew once he was gone I wouldn't be able to undo any decision I made. I didn't want to have any regret with him, even though things were tense with him. So I just... basically... pretended like nothing had happened and everything was OK.
I don't know if I really did make amends with him or not, to be honest. We kind of did but didn't. The most I could manage was to visit him and be kind to him as he was dying, giving him drinks when he was thirsty and telling him I loved him. I took his dog for him and told him I would take good care of her. We never really resolved our issues... it was kind of a mutual understanding that it didn't really matter anymore. That all that mattered now was that in spite of everything between us, we loved each other. There just wasn't enough time and he was too sick to waste precious last minutes on drama.
I had to let go of my need for closure on the issues involved with the drama... and I am still trying to find a way to forgive him. But I was able to set it aside for the time being. In the end, I am glad I did. It would have been worse to regret not at least *trying*. I found that in spite of everything what mattered to me most was him knowing that I loved him. And I think, I hope, I accomplished that.
kick him in the balls before he dies
Composing_Life says much truth above. So, if yours is a circumstance similar to hers, I agree with her advice to you.
My own experience is limited to being foster father and/or house counselor to many girls rescued from abusive fathers, which sometimes meant being their surrogate punching bag. And I'm grateful that I had opportunity to help them work their way through their pain.
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