February 3, 2013
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Why Domestic Violence Victims Stay
I have noticed people genuinely asking why Rihanna stayed with her abuser. I have witnessed Rihanna accused of glorifying domestic violence. Even though I'm glad that publicity has brought this issue to the forefront, it irritates the fuck out of me when I read some of the comments.
A lot of people STILL blame the victims of domestic violence. I think we've gained traction regarding rape and victim blaming, but sometimes I feel we've gotten nowhere with the domestic violence issue. People still tell a girl if she stays, then she deserves it.
People don't understand it because they haven't been through it, so they don't empathize. Why would you stay with someone who beats the fuck out of you? Why wouldn't you leave?
I am going to give you a short list to help you empathize.
#1 victims don't stop loving their abusers) Here's the thing, after someone beats the fuck out of you, YOU DON'T MAGICALLY STOP LOVING THEM. There's not a fucking light switch you turn on and off for love. That's not how emotions work. I'm sure it's degrading and demeaning to have your face look like a kicked in cantaloupe, but it doesn't suck what feelings away you had for that person.
#2 abusers can make it seem like the victim's fault) It's called gas lighting. From Wikipedia, "Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory, perception and sanity." I know, it sounds fucking crazy like something you'd never fall for, but it happens often where you will doubt your own memory. It's easier than you think to make a victim believe it was their fault. An abuser can also use manipulative tactics to prevent you from calling the police, like, "You're going to be the one going to go to jail." This is very effective if the victim has drugs in her possession or does something else illegal. The victim might actually think it was his/her fault.
#3 victims are good victims!) It's not uncommon to be revictimized over and over again. Life situations can give an abuser advantage over a victim. It's a lot harder to leave someone if they control and make money. Some people have dispositions that unfortunately make them prone to revictimization. Circustances like poverty, a fucked up family, and drug abuse also make someone prone to revictimization.
#4 abusers make the victim's livelihood possible) Through financial resources, see above.
#5 they drain the victim's self esteem) It's not uncommon to have physical abuse accompanied with mental abuse. The victim is mentally beaten down enough to think he/she deserves the treatment so is willing to stay.
At any rate, STOP VICTIM BLAMING. You are providing victims with secondary revictimization when you do. I don't give a fuck if it's Rihanna, or your neighbor. Jesus fuck flkdjaoifdao;jflkafjldahfoiewjflkla/ Also, I would like to add, MEN CAN BE VICTIMS TOO AND IT'S NOT FUCKING FUNNY.
Quick exercise, shall we?
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Comments (214)
Gosh, this made me sad. But it's so good to draw attention to this, and shed light on the lies victims tell themselves.
And you're so right, men are often victims, too.
Thank you!
I was in an abusive relationship, and I can say, yes, most of those points applied to me. I was manipulated to think that everything was my fault. I didn't stop loving her even when she destroyed my sunglasses and almost pushed me down the stairs. It lasted longer than it should have, and another reason is that sometimes, the victims feels if they do leave, the abuser will stop at nothing to make their life a living hell.
Good information. I'm happy you shared it with us.
@laytexduckie - In your original comment (I think you edited it)you said, "I also feel it's especially harder when the man in the relationship is being abused by the woman." I thought that was a really good point with every type of abuse. Men are constantly having their feelings marginalized. They are seen as impossible to sexually abuse because of their appetites and physically impossible to abuse because of their stature. So not only do men have to cope with all of the abuse, they are reallllly likely to face secondary revictimization. It's terrible. The victim blaming for men I run into makes me seriously nauseous.
rec! rec! rec!
i have known women who've experienced every one of these! i as well, but my story and situation pales against those relationships my friends have experienced.
and big capital letter THANK YOU for mentioning gaslight. i know a woman who is still in a 35 year marriage in which her husband and a catholic priest attempted to do that to her. when she told me about "gaslight," i watched the film and have had chills ever since, not because of the movie - but rather, because of it's insidious psychological mechanism.
@ShimmerBodyCream - I did. I took it out because even though I wanted to explain it further, I also felt like my explaining would generalize the public thinking. Like you mentioned, I wanted to say that I feel it's because people look at men as having to be tough, and when a woman hits a man, they are supposed to take it and/or they deserved it.
@ShimmerBodyCream - It's also reminded me of this video: What Would You Do? Women Abusing Men
Good to hear a victim's perspective. I was one who questioned everything you said. Valid points. I understand a little more now.
I can't add a thing to this. Brilliantly said, and thanks for posting this. <3 <3
all true
Re #4: Aside from being financially dependent, they may have nowhere to go. The abuser may be the only thing between the victim and the street.
Number 2. Gaslighting is the worse part. It fucks with your head so bad that you become whoever they tell you that you are.
And the fear. I don't think people understand the fear or the helplessness that you feel.
great post. It's also pretty hard to reach out bc of that. Many people have an attitude that simplifies everything: "you can complain once, if you do it more often you are an attention seeker" "if you don't take action, it is your own fault, and you don't deserve sympathy."
So yeah. Better suck it up and get along without support, whatever you do. Of course you CAN complain about a partner getting fat or snoring or farting, but don't annoy people with your attention-seeking victim-role-you-choose bullshit.
(I'm just being cynical obviously. People stop actinng like you're something better. You can't 'save' a victim of domestic violence all at once, sometimes it takes time to make a decision. You can still be a supportive friend.)
I think sometimes it comes from sheer frustration. For example, my husband witnessed a woman getting the shit beat out of her. It was horrible. And he pulled this jerk off of her, and then had to defend HIMSELF from this violent ass when he turned it on him. At which time the woman broke a bottle over my husband's head and exclaimed, "NO ONE HITS ON MY MAN!" with the swollen eyes and blood gushing out of her face! Given that in most cases if the women don't leave, it escalates until he kills her, but when you try to help her she gets angry at YOU and refuses to do anything to get free, it is so very frustrating. I think this is why so many states have made it impossible for the victim to drop the charges of domestic violence.
Also, this is the one and only type of abuse I have never suffered. I saw a talk show once where the doc said that these abusers can walk into a bar and immediately pick out the type who would make a good victim.
I can't stand wife beaters and the only one I ever met personally, I hit with my car. (http://mtngirlsouth.xanga.com/742559046/the-day-i-ran-over-someone/)
I totally agree, but sometimes it is hard when it is someone you know personally. I have had this twice.. once at the hospital and once with a friend in college, where people told me of the abuse but when did not want to pursue pressing charges. To me that puts family or friends in a bind, because it now involves me, but if the victim isn't going to do anything as far as pressing charges, there isn't much anyone else can do legally. Ya know, because it must be the victim (except in cases of children or the elderly) to formally press charges. that being said, I dont blame the victim at all, but I dont like that bad people are not held accountable because of fear, intimidation, and manipulation.
You made a lot of excellent points. My mom was a domestic abuse survivor, and I was physically abused as a child (thanks, dad!) until my early teens. It was so easy for people to make assumptions about my mother being weak, but she came from a culture where you stayed in a marriage no matter what. Plus, this happened in the days where there weren't a lot of resources available for abused women/men. Thankfully, my mom got out before it was too late. Yes, thank you for addressing victim blaming. People should get their facts straight before they judge.
My thoughts are yes she got away and stayed away for a while, but I think she hopes, and believes, that he has changed and loves him enough to convince herself of this.
Abusers know when a woman, or man, loves them and they know how to wait and play their victims to convince them that they have changed and the abuse was not that bad.
Abusers know how to romance euphoric recall of the past, and glaze over the bad times and get their victims to remember the good times and believe that they have changed and to come back and give them another chance.
People do dangerous stuff int he name of love, and for those pointing their fingers, they need to walk in her shoes and see what ti is like before they start spitting garbage out of their mouth.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...
No one blames the victim for what happens the first time, but willingly repeating the cycle of violence is no better than a drug or sex addict. Being gullible and easily manipulated doesn't make her situation sympathetic to me.
@nepenthium - How about if someone gets robbed twice, is that their fault too?
@laytexduckie - I think men have it worse than women because no one wants to believe that a woman can abuse a man. Old fashioned rules say men are big and strong and there is no way a man can be abused by a little woman, smaller than him.
Not true and I know quite a few men who are proof of that.
Women have safe houses and support where the man is looked at as weak and not all man if he claims abuse.
Verbal abuse cuts just deep, if not deeper than physical.
Good for you for getting away from her and for staying away.
@ShimmerBodyCream - yes.
@nepenthium - Never move to a bad part of Detroit, you'll develop a deep sense of self loathing.
Thank you for posting this.
I'd also like to add that change is scary. People who are used to abuse, most often because they grew up in abusive households where they were physically abused or didn't have their emotional needs met, keep finding themselves in those situations because that's what they're familiar with. This does not mean they enjoy it. Even if they're not happy in the relationship, the thought of having something different is so foreign to them. Like you said, people who have not gone through that themselves just can't understand.
Shimms, I would never hurt you.
Atta girl! I wish I were as clever when I was your age..
chris brown is the most basic level of human being.
good post
@laytexduckie - I don't think society thinks men should just take abuse from women, but I agree society thinks the man deserved it. Sorry you went through that.
He should gone to jail for a long time. That is where we really fail as a society.
I was fortunate to have the means and resources to get out when I did. Hope others can be as courageous for themselves.....
This is a great post! It really boils down to one's own self-esteem. If an individual does not feel they are worthy of the same respect they show others, they will be easy prey to these abusive types of people. This I know from years of "experience"........and then I started to like myself.
It is very difficult to see reality and deal with it where love is concerned.
Well, this isn't as much fun to read as usual.
Also, consider married people with children. The ability to abuse in that situation is much greater than typical relationships. For a lady, they have the children to think about and having been divorced/with children makes it much harder to find another guy. For a guy, they know if there is a divorce they will almost positively get screwed hard even if the wife was physically/emotionally abusive or cheated on them.
Another big reason is that victims believe their abuser will change if they only give them one more chance. It is tied in with #1. And maybe 1 in 100 times, they actually do change.
And so I conclude, when it comes to matters of the heart, they fucking suck.
so true. rec'd. everyone should read this. and really internalize it. that gaslighting bullshit happened to me. by a woman actually. she made me doubt my memory, stole from me & said i'd wind up in jail or a hospital. she was a psycho. regarding physical abuse (especially), idk how anyone can actually blame the victim. IT MAKES NO SENSE WHATSOEVER. the abuser is usually clearly out of his/her mind!!! he/she blows up at any stupid little fucking thing. sometimes he/she makes up things in his/her mind to be mad about, and takes it out on the victim. this probably happens all the time...they are crazy & full of disgusting misplaced anger! & they should be stopped at any cost. by any means necessary.
@The_ATM - i bet you anything someone changes (& not 100%) more like 1 in 1,000 (or more) times.
I wasn't ever beaten, but abused in other manners. I can vouch for the fact that most women in these situations are mostly powerless. They have little to no work experience, little earning potential outside the home and kids to look after. No vehicle of her own and far away from any family and friends....And I still loved him, even after I left. All the bad things he did to me, you're right. It didn't flip any light switches.
I love this blog. My ex didn't seem to understand why victims didn't just "chuck 'em out" and it really frustrated me. I love you so much for writing this.
On a sidenote however, I'm a little annoyed at Rihanna because she went BACK to Chris Brown after everything. Mneh.
@PerfectSkinnyGirl - It is really hard to say. The thing is, if someone start getting professional help, and really deals with the problem, it is not like something you are going to hear about. It is something they are embarrassed about. Just because the evening news is always blaring tragedy, doesn't mean the world is filled with it. It is probably more like 1 and 1000 for reincidence, but probably like 1 in 100 by individuals. Either way, we are both speculating.. maybe someone has actually collected data on it.
When it comes to physical abuse, I would always suggest breaking it off, but maybe that is just because I know I am not "capable" of that, so it is hard to have sympathy.
Another thing victims fall 'victim' to is threats - my sister stayed with her abuser for six years because she thought he was psycho enough to carry out his threats to kill her entire family (there were 8 of us) one at a time, starting with the youngest brother if she ever left him. Fortunately, my mom interceded and was able to get her out of there and into a shelter.
Great post!
Glad to see this at number one top blog, interesting perspective. Love u shimms.
My father beat the hell out of me with his feet, his fists and his hand for nothing..other than his anger over things other than me. But, I caught it. I've never had a lover beat me..but, I know how frightening it is to be beat up.. I made sure I left my father alone as much as possible after I left home...and I did not become an abuser of MY children. I will never forget those "lessons" my abusive father (who did NOT drink) taught me. So scarey..I did not marry an abusive man, either.
I'd say if you did have an abusive boyfriend or spouse..you'd better 'get outta Dodge, before you no longer could'.
@thefittedsheet - That's kinder than the things I'd say about him.
@ShimmerBodyCream - HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You so funny!!
Good points m'dear <3
The hardest part is the fear, I think. It's hard to leave when you both love and fear the person so much. I also agree with some of the points mtngirlsouth makes. It is difficult to see your friend getting abused and not being able to do anything to help because they won't leave the dirtbag. But I don't blame the victim. It's just a frustrating bind to be in.
Good post.
@mtngirlsouth - You know there really should be a lot more car deaths in the case of those who abuse spouses and children. It's a tragic injustice so many live into old age without having their sorry asses run down by some empathetic helpful driver. Perhaps if we offered rewards to those who run down assholes? You know accident forgiveness, public parades, and the like.
@mtngirlsouth - yup.... honestly, it's not even just domestic abuse... over the last few years i've watched someone i care about very much change and become more bitter and cynical and angry, and it all started with a group of friends that she hangs out with. despite the fact that they call her names when she doesn't comply immediately with their demands and they post degrading dehumanizing things about her online publicly, she still remains friends with them, whereas with me she has accused me of being violent for saying that she shouldn't allow herself to be treated that way, that she's better than that, and saying that I'm being controlling when i tell her to ditch people who drag her down and bring her to a low level, even though i never named any names, just said that, she said this was me telling her to get rid of her friends.
and that's frustrating. its frustrating as hell to know that if i don't say anything i'll just be watching our friendship fade to nothing and see her from a distance deteriorating until she either finally wakes up or, as i've seen happen before commits suicide. and if i say anything it will be twisted into me being the bad guy. it's frustrating as hell knowing that people closer to the situation either don't care or have too much at stake in the other direction so they will either say nothing or encourage her to continue in unhealthy relationships with a dysfunctional group of assholes that should be cut completely out of her life (and as far as i'm concerned some of them should be completely cut out of any life).
it's not easy to sit and watch someone go from saying "xyz makes them happy and gives them hope" to seeing them disclaim those things as bad/wrong/uncomfortable and embracing self destruction, and ultimately.. they are the one who makes the decision to either reject the person or people who treat them like shit in favor of those who build them up or do the exact opposite. so, while believe me, there are people i would LOVE to put out there, heads on a pike, and let every ounce of condemnation fall on them and their parents(for raising such shitty people), at some point, the victim needs to decide they want to stop being a victim, and/or living in denial about it.
I was in an abusive relationship, although it wasn't romantic. I stayed because I was scared. It was scary enough when she got mad over small stupid things. I was scared of how much worse it would be if I tried to leave. We went to the same school, it's not like she would be out of my life. I thought, "If it's this bad when she is supposedly my friend, how bad will it be when I end the friendship and she hates me?"
She had already killed two of my pets as a friend. Who would she hurt as an enemy?
People should learn to detect abusers before getting serious. This is why all dating should be chaperoned, and people be open minded about their friends' and family's concerns. The downside of that tends to come from some people being biased by misconceptions and ignorant of blind spots in their perspectives that inform those misconceptions (we're all guilty of this to some degree; but especially those who must always be decisive and turning on a dime). So, in those cases, the family/friends might push you toward bad relationships instead of good.
Everyone should learn how their brain and senses work, so that our interactions can work semi-reliably. The problem with quick decision making is that it trains your unconscious mind that is unreachable by your conscious awareness and tends to prefer quick gratification or comfort regardless of long-term consequence(s); unless the individual consciously seeks signals indicative of better long-term choices; which are still uncertain until consequences [good or bad] are experienced.
Thank you! F*cking finally!
i think the community (well, that's us) as a whole tend to fail one another nowadays, in that we rarely provide supports that one may need... some of the points that you said (#4 and #5 for example) is very much helped by what we as a whole do (or didn't do)
I agree with most of this. Thank you for this post.
Spot on. Great post.
Can I share this on a facebook page I help run called "equality for women"?
@Ampersands_Anonymous - yes, definitely! thanks
I agree Shimmer, men (I say this due to the higher number of men that victimize females, not because I feel men are never victimized themselves) can be horrible sometimes but if we already love them it is hell to try and get away from them. Yes, they can make us feel like shit and make it seem its our fault for what happened.
TRUTHFULLY, it's ALL THERE FAULT. So we may say something you don't like, it's not like you don't say things we don't like. The abuse is also sometimes, or most of the time tied to the man's upbringing. I've seen it first hand, thankfully I wasn't so attached I knew the relationship was sour and got out. I just hope to GAWD that he hasn't harmed another, but I feel that is like asking to win the lottery, then actually winning. I actually feel winning the lottery would be better odds than somebody that has been around abuse so much (growing up, etc.) to all of a sudden stop abusing.
Excellent post.
Thank you for this.
I didn't read any of the other comments, but I'll add this reason: Victims are afraid of their abusers. Many times the abuser threatens not only victims but those close to the victim in order to keep them. And you know what? They SHOULD be afraid. Victims who leave their abusive partners are 75 TIMES more likely to be killed by that partner than those who stay and endure it.
I agree, let's stop blaming the victims of crime and actually blame criminals. Because bottom line, it's not illegal to stay with someone. It IS, however, ILLEGAL to abuse someone.
its scary how even a person who goes into an abusive relationship with a healthy self esteem can be broken down so subtly by their abuser until they believe they deserve the abuse. I know I believed it was all my fault, and if I could only be better at everything it would be good enough. but, no matter how good you are, it will never be good enough for an abusive partner, parent, whoever.
It's hard for a man to see into the mind of an abused woman but of course, they have their reasons for staying. A mother would stay for the sake of the children of course.
It doesn't help that instead of prison, we give Chris Brown more money. We've very clearly told him, "It's ok to beat the shit out of a woman if you look good and dance nice." The SOB has a tattoo of Rihanna's beaten face on his neck, and people still line up to buy tickets to his shit. It was the same with Rick James.
I saw a show from E! that featured women who kill.
There was this woman who was tried for stabbing her husbands almost 200 times (i think it was 197 times). The defender said that she has battered woman syndrome that drove her to kill her husband. they said that after she killed him, she was cleaning things, after a week she called her mom and told her. that showed how she couldn't think straight then. then when she was on the stand, another person asked how he hit her and the person kinda did a demo on her without really hitting her and she was crying.
and also she was detailing how she stabbed him at his private part for all the times he made her have sex with him.
the dead husband was also engage before but the woman broke off the engagement i think also because he was abusive.
anyway, the court didn't buy it and she's sentenced for 20 years
My 6 year old daughter's answer to why Rihanna would stay with Chris Brown, in her own words: When Chris Brown hit her face, it messed up her head. That's why she can't make good decisions anymore. He messed up her head on purpose. She thinks she loves him because her head is messed up.
There you have it, a child's clear reading of the situation (without mom's input).
@blonde_apocalypse - I completely agree with you and it sickens me that the music industry (and his fans - they aren't off the hook with me) would support him and award him after what he's done and continues to do. I just hope it catches up to him one day soon, because he is a psycho.
I agree with you. I worry about that girl but she has what it takes to get away where some have no money nor place to go.
I was not physically abused, but emotionally and verbally I was. I didn't know that there was a word for it. "gaslighting" . My ex tried to make me think I was crazy. It was horrible really. I'm glad I am away from that now.
I think I nearly shared this on facebook, right after you posted it! I will admit to being a bit judgemental of Rihannah. I didn't like her, and thought she was being a bad role model, and was like, why on earth is she going back to Chris? Is she out of her mind?!? It didn't make sense to me. I guess they both need help. Thank you for explaining this so well! I think everyone should be aware of this stuff (especially me in my ignorance!).
Sometimes I guess we want to leave, but we want to stay, too. And part of abuse is being controlling. The abuser always knows how to play to that part of you that wants to stay. And it sucks. Why do you stay? Because you're so godam confused about everything that you don't know whether you really are an idiot like your mate tells you or if THEY are, and if they are, then you're still an idiot for not seeing it... That's how an abuser gets their victim to think.
hmm. something to think about, all points are plausible.
I love Rihanna and Chris Brown together. I also love the fact that Rihanna is "unapologetic" in her love for him, and the choices she needs to make for HERSELF- not the public.
To add a point, the men who abuse also need help, they're not just devils who should be condemned. Many men who commit domestic violence grew up in a culture of domestic abuse, have anger problems, or have themselves been abused. Judging people isn't the answer to anything. Men can get help, and people can change if they purpose to do so.
And what does a person DO if they know a woman in an abusive relationship who chooses to remain with the guy? All the reasons women stay and why they shouldn't be judged are valid, but then what? If she's remaining with the guy, not pressing charges, and there's not evidence of him changing his ways, what happens next?
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Протеин является самой пользующейся популярностью протеиновые коктейли для роста спортивной
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Lyndon B. Johnson Space Center
Houston, Tx 77058
bormanxon (Ramiro)
Honest Borman (NASA Photo)
Honest Borman
NASA Astronaut (former)
A main character of the American Space Odyssey bormanxon (Ramiro), Frank Borman led the first team of American astronauts to group the celestial body overhead,
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simply by North Vietnam.
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National Geographic Society's Hubbard Medal--in addition to several honorary levels,
special honors and support decorations. More recently,
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the Worldwide Aerospace Corridor of Fame. And in Oct of 1990 received the Airport Operators Council Global Downes Prize.
In March 1993, this individual was inducted into the
You. S. Astronaut Hall associated with Fame.
Honest Borman came to be in Gary, Indiana, plus
was raised within Tucson, Az. He gained a Bachelor of Science
degree through the U. Ersus. Military School, West Point, in 1950 and a Master of Technology
degree in Aeronautical Anatomist from the California Institute of Technology in 1957.
He or she completed the Harvard Company School's Sophisticated Management System in 1970.
Frank Borman is currently a member of the Panel of Company directors of the
Home Depot, National Geographic, Outboard Ocean Corporation, Auto Finance
Team, Thermo Device Systems plus American Superconductor.
He has been named Leader Office associated with Patlex Corporation in the
springtime of 1988, and at present holds the particular titles of
Chairman, TOP DOG and President of that Corporation. He has written an life entitled Countdown: An Life of Frank Borman with
Robert J. Serling, launched October of 1988 plus published by Silver
Arrow Books, Bill Morrow and Company, Inc.
He is married to the former Susan Bugbee of Tucson, Arizona.
They have two sons, Frederick plus Edwin, and four grandchildren. Frank plus Susan at present reside in Todas las Cruces,
New Mexico.
DECEMBER 1993
This is actually the only edition available through NASA.
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not very happy. You have to scape from the dungeon, and you have to do it fast.
Just tap on each side of the screen of your smartphone to run.
Tap on the right to move to the right and tap on the left to move to the left, it is an easy game.
But beware of the dangers anithing could kill you and you will die in the
moment that you touch anything.
Keep tapping as long as you can. You are on the run to the exit.
Features:
- Game modes: Normal (just tap to run) and INSANE (skeletons, spiders
and fireballs on the run... it's really insane)
- Get your score to the top of the leaderboard
- Retro-styled game, all the fun in the oldschool way
- Very easy to play game, just tap as fast as you
can. But, really hard to master.
- Very fun android game
- You could play everywhere just tapping (no load times),
perfect to play on metro, bus or bathroom
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