My life is like a bad Jerry Springer episode. By bad I mean it is not the type of episode you’d find naked strippers and sexy midgets in. My life is the episode where there’s vomit sex and fat, toothless people wrestling in a tub of cheeseburgers.

 

I’ve come to accept my lot in life as a participant in a perpetual side show, so I bring you this touching story of today’s events:

Back Story:  I decided to spend New Year’s and Christmas with Anh because I wanted to strangle my family. Nothing unusual, but I needed a break from wanting to kick mi familia in the cara. (Spanish help provided by @lithium98. Translations as low as 5.99) He’s usually pretty chill, waits on me hand and foot, and plays video games with me. Nothing really more I’d want in a hang out buddy.

 

Today: So we had been having a fairly good week of hanging out. We mostly sat around and played video games, I also made a dent in some of the books I downloaded. Everything was going a-okay until some unleashing OF PURE ANGER AND RAGE AND FURY AND HATRED AND ANGER AND ANGER FELL UPON MY SWEET, INNOCENT, BEAUTIFUL, LOVING, DELIGHTFUL SOUL.

 

But srsly, I didn’t do shit. He just started fucking raving out of nowhere and I kept asking what was wrong.

SO THEN HE SO KINDLY REPAID MY CONCERN WITH A HOLSTER AND TWO PISTOLS.

Well oh shit, a fucking livid lunatic is going to shoot my ass. THIS IS IT GUIZ. I’m done fer. IT’S THE END OF ME!

Hello Newton, Conneticut children. I SHALL BECOME JUST ANOTHER AMONGST YOUR RANKS.

 

Because I’m a huge pussy My survival instincts kicked in and I ran down stairs away from the armed crazy. I proceeded to remove the door barricades (they live in a bad part of town.) so I could get out and maybe call the cops? Or maybe run. Or maybe get shot while I ran. FUCK I DON’T KNOW.

 

Anyway, so I finally removed the bar off the door and this his Mom put the bar back and trapped me back in.

WELL SONOFABITCH. I thought I was a goner until Anh eventually came out of his room and apologized profusely.

 

My Dad tried to encourage me to stay and go out and eat or something… IDK. Fuck that. I hate guns, I ain’t getting shot! The kid owns AKs, think of how many pieces that would leave me in! D:

 

And that was my Christmas. I almost died. But kinda not, but kinda.

Also he gave me a 32GB Kindle Fire.

Almost got shot? Fuck it,

 

WORTH IT!

 

 THE END. (but not of me! SONOFABITCH)

 

 

Art by @Sasgal

Story by ShimmerBodyCream and Sasgal. feat. genderqueer pronouns.

 

 

Once upon a time there was a caveman named Timmy. Ze was too fabulous for hir own good so ze fashioned hot, sexy short skirts out of faux mammoth.

The cavemen and cavewomen were all very jealous of Timmy’s sassiness and rock hard abs so they planned to murder hir and steal hir skirt.

 

 

Timmy was forlorn upon hearing the plans via hir pet talking raptor. Ze spent all night in hir feather covered cave crying.

An angel from heaven suddenly manifested itself out of hir multicolored hula hoop. “Timmy, God has heard your cries of help. Speak to the T-Rexes tomorrow and you shall see that he has given you a special gift of interspecies communication. Be brave! Vanquish your enemies and show them no mercy!”

 

Timmy woke up the next morning thinking it was a dream. Ze wandered off from hir cave and was confronted by an angry mob of cavemen trying to steal hir faux mammoth skirt. Ze cried and dashed into the forest.

Ze ran into a pack of T-Rexes and was miraculously unafraid.

 

Ze mounted them and rode the leader of the pack into the area of hir enemies.

They all fled and threw themselves off of cliffs.

Timmy was left with the children to take care of and fashioned them all in faux mammoth and nurtured them into a tolerant community.